We are responsible for our actions–all of them. Taking responsibility for action requires consideration for others.
Bloggers need Empathy
You’ve probably heard the saying “Don’t judge someone until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes.”
When engaging with people online there is bound to be conflict. Blogging conflict often happens in posts and comments between bloggers.
An important part of avoiding conflict and conflict resolution is being able to show empathy. Empathy isn’t about just putting yourself in someone else’s shoes, it is about seeing that position from someone else’s perspective.
Often times there is much more to what meets the eye, as I recently found out when I was too quick to judge the art of Jessica Marie. Upon a closer look I learned that her art was about much more than what I perceived it to be.
When you allow yourself to see things from the other person’s perspective, it opens up your mind to different ideas.
Recently I was told that I wrote about a subject that I have never had to face–prejudice. This person didn’t take the time to put them-self in my shoes. While they were sprouting off about how they had faced prejudice throughout their life, they were actually showing prejudice against me.
Instead of approaching them directory via a comment on their blog, I took my feelings to a more private setting via email.
I attempted to explain, from my point of view the prejudice I have had to face and how their comment really offended me and yet this person had no interest in hearing my perspective or apologizing for their hurtful remark to me. In their opinion they were right and I was wrong. In their opinion, nothing could compare to the prejudice that they’ve faced. While this may be true, empathy isn’t about one story being worse than the other. It’s about understanding and considering another persons feelings. While I could empathize with this blogger, they were incapable of empathizing with me.
They were incapable of stripping away their own thoughts, and feelings about the judgment they faced in order to clearly see the judgment I too have faced.
Sometimes differences cannot be resolved. The outcome of this situation has resulted in us going our separate ways. Perhaps things would be different if the blogger was able to see things from my point and not just their own.
Even though we don’t always all agree, there would be fewer conflicts in the blogosphere if we allow our-self to see things from one another’s point of view. Don’t you agree?
How good are you at seeing things from someone else’s perspective?
The next time you comment on a post that you may not agree with, try to put yourself in their shoes before you comment.
I know I will be.
More readings on handling conflict in the blogosphere:
The Concept of Being Considerate to Others by Bes Zain
Tips for Dealing with Blogging Disagreements by Chris Garrett
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September 9th, 2010 at 5:06 pm
The Fifth Habit of the Seven Habits of Highly Effective People is…Seek First to Understand, then to be Understood.
We need to realize, sooner than later, that our way is not the ONLY way, regardless of how we see things. Smoke and mirrors are all over the place and until we look at things much more clearly, communication is hindered before it is even attempted.
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Rose DesRochers Reply:
September 9th, 2010 at 9:54 pm
“We need to realize, sooner than later, that our way is not the ONLY way.”
So true! Well said Rich!
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September 9th, 2010 at 5:49 pm
Hallo Rose,
I think you’re right – it’s always good to try to understand someone’s opinion from their point of view … even if you don’t share it. At least you can respect their opinion….
We can choose , in the blogosphere or wherever, to avoid conflict or take part in it ….because basically there can never be conflict without mutual consent. Everyone always has the option of removing themselves from a conflict.
And hopefully there are better things to do anyway …..
Best wishes
Will
P.S. George Carlin had this advice about how to deal with conflict ….
“So the next time some ******* says to you “I have the right to my opinion.” You say, “oh yeah? Well I have the right to my opinion and my opinion is you have no right to your opinion!” .. !
It’s crazy advice of course, but he shows here , I think, how conflict is comically absurd …. and how important it really is to respect the opinions of others.
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Rose DesRochers Reply:
September 9th, 2010 at 9:00 pm
I agree with regards to removing ones-self from the conflict. Sometimes you just need to go your separate ways.
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September 9th, 2010 at 6:01 pm
I rarely expect those I disagree with to suddenly change their minds. People like to think that their decisions are based upon logic and reason, yet all too often they aren’t.
To be clear, I include myself in that group. The question that I ask myself is what is the goal of the comment/post. Am I just reacting to something that made me happy or angry? Do I want to vent or influence others?
I am a bit of a muckraker by nature, so…
But one of the reasons that I love blogging is the interaction and the chance to speak/engage with people who aren’t just like me.
I don’t need to agree with everyone or to have everyone agree with me.
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Rose DesRochers Reply:
September 9th, 2010 at 9:51 pm
I don’t know what I was thinking hoping for compassion. lol
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September 9th, 2010 at 7:34 pm
But it doesn’t even need to be a difference of philosophy, it can just be misunderstanding. Stuff on e-mails and blog comments are notoriously prone to be taken the wrong way.
I remember going to this one blog a couple years ago, I guess, and I wrote something for which the blogger took great offence. I don’t remember what it was precisely, but there was a misspelling in the piece, I thought it was a deliberate misspelling and took the thing with more jocularity than the writer intended.
Then not that much later, I offended her again. She told me I was a terrible person, and not to ever darken her (electronic) doors again. Well, I could have said, “Oh, well,” and just move on – it’s a big Internet, after all – but I don’t think of myself as a mean person and I really meant no malice either time, though in this second case, in retrospect, I could see how it could be misconstrued.
Anyway, I wrote something to that effect to her, and we’ve gotten along pretty well ever since.
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Rose DesRochers Reply:
September 9th, 2010 at 8:57 pm
I know misunderstandings happen online. I have misunderstood and been misunderstood. Roger, In this case it wasn’t a misunderstanding or something being taken the wrong way. This person blatantly came out with assumptions and even after I told them my perspective, shared how I was offended- refused to change their opinion or see my side.
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September 9th, 2010 at 7:35 pm
Fortunately, I’ve not had to deal with conflict much on my blog or on the blogs that I visit. Most of my stuff doesn’t lend itself to controversy. I’m normally pretty laid back — or so I’m told.
I have had a couple of commenters, though, who almost crossed the line on a couple of my climate change posts. While I respect the rights of others to their opinions, they also need to be respectful of my opinions and other commenters. That’s part of why I have a comment policy. I try to follow my own policies when commenting elsewhere — basically, be respectful of others:
http://exit78.com/about/comment-policy/ :
1. No rude, mean or obstructive comments.
2. No obscene or otherwise offensive language
5. Comments should generally be on topic and should seldom be longer than the post being commented on.
6. No use of the blog comments as a forum for oneâ???s views. Expressing oneâs views is acceptable. Repeated comments attempting to change the views of others is not, though such comments will not be deleted or edited, unless rules 1, 2, 3 or 4 are involved.
Off topic comments are allowed, unless it gets out of hand.
Comments contrary to my views are welcome.
A blog isnât a democracy â but even democracies have rules.
Abuse of this policy may result in the comment being edited, deleted, or refused. Repeated abuse of this policy may result in the offending commenter being temporarily or permanently banned from commenting.
I’ve never had to implement any of the provisions of this policy.
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Rose DesRochers Reply:
September 9th, 2010 at 8:52 pm
It is good to have a comment policy in place and I’ll be touching on that later. Thanks for commenting Mike.
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September 9th, 2010 at 7:54 pm
If I care about the relationship then I also care about resolving the conflict, otherwise, I usually just write it and the person off. There’s no point in trying to open a closed mind. I have some opinions that I won’t budge on and others where I seek out differing views.
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Rose DesRochers Reply:
September 9th, 2010 at 8:50 pm
Thanks for joining the discussion Margaret.
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September 9th, 2010 at 7:59 pm
Hi Rose
Thanks for visiting my blog and taking the time to comment. Wanted to come visit and return some of the luv.
I don’t much like conflict and realise sometimes I am too sensitive but with blogging so far I have mainly met really encouraging helpful bloggers in the blogging community.
If someone is wounded and not healed from their own hurts they often get offended and are quick to judge others. Maybe the person who was insensitive to you still wasn’t healed from their own hurts. Really sad though that they wouldn’t even listen to your point of view. Even if we don’t agree with another person; I feel it is disrespectful not to at least consider what the other person is sharing. Sometimes we just have to move on.
I know off-line I have had to do that when I was getting negative comments all the time from some “so called friends”. Was too destructive and now I am in a much better place with positive people around me.
Patricia Perth Australia
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Rose DesRochers Reply:
September 9th, 2010 at 8:47 pm
I’m sure that living under the shadow of such prejudice has not been easy for this person. I just wish they were able to take their experience and turn it into compassion for someone else.
Patricia, I’m glad to hear that you are at a positive place in your life. Thank you for dropping by my blog and commenting.
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September 9th, 2010 at 8:03 pm
Sometimes, people can’t see anything other than their view. It’s possible something in their past causes this tough stance or they were simply having a bad day.
Rose, I think you did all you could (should) to salvage this relationship. It’s now in the other person’s court.
And, as I always tell my kids, on the bright side, you always have me.
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Rose DesRochers Reply:
September 9th, 2010 at 8:59 pm
I did and knowing they won’t change their opinion nor apologize and continue to act like I am the one in fault, I have moved on and accepted that this is just the way things are.
Glad to hear, I have you.
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September 9th, 2010 at 8:50 pm
Rose, I really appreciate this post! I believe and teach this concept to my children, always!
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Rose DesRochers Reply:
September 12th, 2010 at 6:19 pm
Thanks Linda.
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September 9th, 2010 at 9:35 pm
When I am commenting on another blog, I usually try not to step on toes even when I completely disagree with that person’s opinion. Sometimes I succeed and sometimes I fail.
The thing that I struggle with the most is when I see someone with obviously no experience on a subject dishing out advice on it as if they were an expert. I start to get excited, but then have to stop myself. I have to remember that this person is not dishing out bad info intentionally. They really believe they are right and helping some other person out. Then I also have to remind myself that I have been proven wrong about things that I was pretty darn sure of.
It all comes down to trying to show respect for others and realizing that they have had different life experiences than you. That is really what makes us different. If they had grown up in your neighborhood with your parents, then they would probably agree with your opinion. On the internet, we all come from different parents in different neighborhoods.
I like the comment left by your first commentator on this post. Remember the wise words of Stephen Covey. I have gained so much personal insight into my own soul and personality by reading his material.
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Rose DesRochers Reply:
September 9th, 2010 at 9:50 pm
Respect is certainly important. Thanks for sharing your opinion.
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September 9th, 2010 at 9:48 pm
It’s a big, wide Internet world and everyone who take risks by putting their thoughts out there will experience this sooner or later. In a perfect world, everyone is respectful in their comments even when they disagree. We don’t live in a perfect world. I’ve had one caustic comment that I addressed with as much adult-ness as I could muster, and haven’t heard from him again.
I believe there are people who enjoy being or need to feel like a victim in situations like yours. No amount of explaining would have helped what happened because you touched a raw nerve, and they were unable to see past their own experience to share in yours. Until they resolve this in their own life, they won’t be able to empathize with anyone else.
There is a certain amount of maturity needed to interact well with others in the blogosphere. As in face-to-face encounters, the immature act childishly and selfishly. When it’s apparent that no amount of reasoning is going to change their behavior, sometimes it’s best to simply part company before it gets out of hand. Roger’s persistence in mending fences paid off in salvaging a relationship, and that’s fortunate. But, until the other party is willing to take another look, it’s like spitting in the wind. The icky stuff just comes back at you!
A thought-provoking post on a topic we all can relate to!
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Rose DesRochers Reply:
September 12th, 2010 at 6:20 pm
Yes, you are right. I certainly did hit a nerve.
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September 9th, 2010 at 9:53 pm
Like you I blog about a lot of controversial topics. I like what you said about the open invitation. So true! You are right, people do need to be more open minded. Thanks Rob.
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September 9th, 2010 at 10:08 pm
I have been told to write a controversial blog post by one of my coaches in an effort to get over 100 comments. I never considered the idea of serious conflict unless I blogged about politics or another emotionally charged topic.
I received a bit of NLP training and part of the exercises were to focus intently on being the other person you were talking to and thinking about how they were feeling about the conversation. It was a very enlightening experience.
Personally I have always been very empathetic, it’s in my genes. My high empathy for others was a drawback in my boss’s mind when I felt bad for someone that was fired or whatever the situation was. I was also accused of wearing my heart on my sleeve and this was not good since I was a high powered negotiator for Hewlett Packard.
I totally agree with your point of view on empathizing with other people and their ideas, opinions, feelings, thoughts and beliefs. At least to the point of understanding where they are coming from.
Each of us is born with different distinct qualities and some people have a greater ability to empathize than others in my opinion.
Personally I do my best to hang out with positive thinkers and avoid to the best of my ability negative or pushy or pessimistic or disrespectful people. I am too sensitive to be around others that bully or attempt intimidation or are just negative in their outlook.
I am delighted to have met you on Twitter Rose. I see it as the beginning of a cool friendship.
By the way, I really like your blog layout, the readability, the ease of finding resources and related interesting reading as well as the use of complimentary plug in’s.
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Rose DesRochers Reply:
September 12th, 2010 at 6:21 pm
Thank you Clay and sometimes controversy is good.
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September 9th, 2010 at 10:54 pm
I think I remember that comment but now I can’t find it. To me, the problem seemed like they didn’t allow you your opinion. It’s like they disqualified you. Very disrespectful.
Personally, I’m not really looking for empathy on my posts. Like Rob said, “I love a great discussion and debate as long as it is respectful”. The more controversial the topic, the stronger the feelings. I just want honest opinion and discussion. It seems like the more passionate someone is on a subject, the less empathy they are going to have. As long as things stay respectful I see no reason to part ways. If we all agreed life would be very boring.
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Rose DesRochers Reply:
September 12th, 2010 at 6:22 pm
They didn’t! They assumed and outed me for it when it had nothing to do with their post.
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September 9th, 2010 at 11:25 pm
I’m all for respect and dialogue towards conflict resolution. If one party refuses to either listen or engage in dialogue, it’s unhealthy. Good that you attempted to address it in private. A shame this person could not at least agree to disagree.
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Rose DesRochers Reply:
September 12th, 2010 at 6:22 pm
Thanks!
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September 9th, 2010 at 11:57 pm
Hi! I have to be honest and say that I do not look for conflict nor will I make a comment that I think will be taken the wrong way by the author. If it has happened, it is a result of my poor choice of words or dry sense of humour.
Being a non-confrontational blogger may be the cowards way out, but I was taught from a very early age, if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say a thing. Mind you, that doesn’t always work outside of blogging.
The hallmarks I look for in a blog are; Honesty, words said from the heart, ideas and topics that interest me and last but not least humour.
Visiting such sites leaves little room for confrontation and if by chance I happen to irk someone, I’ll just take in what they have to say and leave it at that.
Take Care,
Peter
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Rose DesRochers Reply:
September 10th, 2010 at 12:02 am
Perhaps at times it is best to say nothing at all.
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September 10th, 2010 at 9:25 am
Part of how we learn is through conflict. It’s through conflict that we are forced to not only evaluate what is before us, but what it is that we believe as well. This leads to greater understanding if we are truly open to learning and accepting what we find.
There is no way to avoid conflict. There will never be a complete consensus and individuality guarantees that there will always be a different viewpoint. This is a good thing. No conflict means stagnation and mediocrity.
I’m all for empathizing with others, but I am even more stalwart in standing by what you believe and know to be true. There however is the rub. What is a subjective truth, and what is a literal truth are two different things, and few people ever learn to make the distinction.
In your second example Rose, you mention the offended party as making an unfounded assumption about you. This is not a lack of empathizing on their part, but an indication of ignorance and refusal to evaluate their own position on the subject. They are focused on their own martyrdom and their interest lies in showing how they have been wronged, how their experience makes them special and to be pitied. You were only the catalyst and the chosen target when any target would have sufficed.
I personally invite conflict at times, and in truth I am non confrontational. I invite it sometimes though not simply for the sake of conflict or building site traffic, but because I truly believe in some of the less than popular positions I hold and I feel that the common attitudes held towards them are not built on honest appraisals.
Ours is a society built on a wide variety of credulous assumptions and uncritical acceptances. It’s how our urban legends and famous myths are born and kept alive for decades on end. In many instances these false beliefs are harmless and merely curiosities. Unfortunately, some have truly damaging repercussions, and it is those that interest me the most.
I’ll cut this short by simply advocating a critical approach when it comes to dealing with a conflicting position. While it’s commendable to empathize and foster an improved understanding, this does not remove the need to continue on past a personal acceptance of another’s position.
The real benefit is in finding resolution and understanding of the issue itself, FOR YOURSELF.
If your interest is piqued, I’d recommend doing some reading about critical thinking skills, then considering how they may apply to subjects like this.
Good post Rose. Hope I was helpful.
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Rose DesRochers Reply:
September 12th, 2010 at 6:24 pm
Even after their ignorance they were still unable to show empathy.
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September 10th, 2010 at 1:58 pm
Well, other commentators here have said it better than I could. I am a little divided on the matter though. Sometimes I feel that blogging is in danger of becoming too touchy-feely, like a virtual support group.
But on the other hand I am pretty sensitive to criticism myself. Even just a slightly contemptuous comment can wreck my day, similarly a bit of encouragement gives me a much bigger boost than say a sudden upsurge in traffic (like I know what that is anyway). Tweet people as you would be tweeted has become my motto on social media.
I heard recently about a completely unnecessary conflict between two travel bloggers I know in my little micro-niche. One had poured scorn on the other’s trip as detailed on their blog. Besides the morality of it, it just seems plain daft to knock people when you could just as easily help them and be helped in turn.
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Rose DesRochers Reply:
September 12th, 2010 at 6:16 pm
Criticism is apart of the writing journey.
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September 10th, 2010 at 5:18 pm
This is an EXCELLENT post, Rose.
Very well put. I can completely understand your plight. I am very good at putting myself in another person’s shoes.
The most frustrating part of this type of scenario is when one person is willing to see something from a perspective other than their own and the other person is not. When the other person holds on, refusing to budge either out of fear, or pride… it doesn’t really solve anything. The only thing you can do to let go then, is to step into their shoes and see that they are making a choice and to respect it. It’s unfortunate that people have to go their separate ways because of this. Maybe you and that person will eventually reconnect.
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Rose DesRochers Reply:
September 12th, 2010 at 6:14 pm
I don’t see us reconnecting, but I have accepted that his inability to see the prejudice others are faced with is something he has to deal with.
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September 11th, 2010 at 10:49 pm
I did this very thing this morning. I got myself fired up about a comment on Twitter of all places that struck me as ill-chosen; and simply went off. In doing so, I was acting with precisely the same sort of opinionated lack of empathy that I was upset about in the first place.
Time and time again, people tell us to follow the Golden Rule – treat others as we expect to be treated. I’d suggest that is far from good enough. We’re not all the same. Treat others as *they* expect to be treated.
That’s much more difficult.
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Rose DesRochers Reply:
September 12th, 2010 at 6:07 pm
It is not always easy to keep our cool when we feel offended.
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September 12th, 2010 at 7:10 am
@Paul Novak: If there was a ‘like’ button I would have clicked it here. O love this quote, “There however is the rub. What is a subjective truth, and what is a literal truth are two different things, and few people ever learn to make the distinction.”
My blog invites debate and my personality is such that I have to ‘hold back’ most of the time.
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